Hi and welcome to my first post!
I can’t help but notice the amount of people nowadays, including myself, who lack the capacity for self assessment or a means to express those thoughts you’d be red faced and embarrassed to share. Consider this my way of sharing the peculiar thoughts that pop into my head for no reason! As i approach an age I feel is (less) desirable, and a place in my life when all the rubbish you’re told when you’re younger hits you and makes you think “f**k”.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to realise that I don’t live a healthy lifestyle. I drink far too much, both for my health and my age… when did slurring and stumbling become NOT sexy?! When I’ve recovered from my perpetual hangover, I’m anxious, probably a little sociopathic (not diagnosed, just my opinion so I’m probably just a complete b**ch), apart from that I’m a regular person. Anti-social, yet desperate for approval. A slight attention seeker who wants to avoid the limelight. A standard, run of the mill joker who uses humour when I’m uncomfortable. And I’m rambling.
You get the idea.
I’m a normal person, with all the normal paranoid delusions that a normal person has, or I should said “I’m hoping” everyone gets.
Forgive me, I digress. Let’s get back to the point. I’m at the age where health and wellbeing, relationships and mortality are becoming a part of my everyday life. I’ve never had anyone pass until recently which has apparently made my younger, invincible self come crashing down and turning me into a shrinking paranoid and possible hypochondriac.
My “I don’t need a relationship, I’m happy just being me!” Has turned into thoughts of what people are going to say about me when I’m gone. My body is turning into that of an old person and letting me down on every occasion, hangovers are worse, a pain in my chest (yes, I’m a smoker) is cause for concern and worst of all, I find myself searching for a stable relationship, be it friend or something more, while clinging to the terror that comes from actually opening up to someone.
Obviously, sharing these things on the internet is just me sat in my rom typing the rubbish that pours from my fingers because like I’ve said, god forbid I take the leap and ACTUALLY communicate with someone face to face. Maybe, it’s just a self obsessed cry for attention or a modern version of a journal to track my crazy. Who knows! But I’m going to commit to letting out the crazy, partly for the mental wellbeing of divulging, partly because it’s easier to spend time here eating pizza than trying to give it up for a salad…. judge me. Go on, I would!
My main point to this is, as the title suggests, I am not always okay. No one is always okay and too many people don’t say they aren’t okay. There’s so many bad things in this world, so much hate and war and people disregarding every other person for reasons of their own because they are not okay. This is me taking a stand for everyone who can’t say, or won’t or is just too damn stubborn too.
So this is me. All of me embarrassing thoughts, stories, all the crap I’m dealing with that no one has time for while dealing with all the crap in their own life’s. so it’s about time I said it.
I’m not always okay.
(A little crappy quote, because although that was a nice dramatic circle of an introduction, I just couldn’t end on that note)